


Someday

by Yellow



Category: Free!
Genre: Gen, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-09
Updated: 2014-07-09
Packaged: 2018-02-08 04:36:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1926837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yellow/pseuds/Yellow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hey, you know, it’s not like he really wanted to die. Rin just wanted to…not exist. And Rin guesses it could be kinda traumatic to see somebody unconscious at the bottom of a pool, but he’s said he was sorry, like, 5 times.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Someday

**Author's Note:**

> originally for the iwatobiswimclub kink meme, and for the prompt:
> 
> "You try to kill yourself one time, and suddenly that super-competitive swim school you used to be so enthralled with kicks you to the curb and makes you go home and actually deal with your issues instead of trying to drown them in four-hour solo practice sessions."
> 
> a little older but i'm happy enough with it to post it here :)

Hey, you know, it’s not like he really wanted to die. Rin just wanted to…not exist. And Rin guesses it could be kinda traumatic to see somebody unconscious at the bottom of a pool, but he’s said he was sorry, like, 5 times. 

Rin scuffs his sneakers against the linoleum floor and throws his head back. The ceiling’s got a dark brown splotch on the otherwise bright white plaster, and it’s fucking annoying. Rin wants to scrape it off. Bleach it. Something, so he doesn’t have to stare at that fucking sad excuse for a ceiling.

“Matsuoka.” Rin’s coach suddenly appears above him, blocking the splotch. Rin doesn’t know whether to be annoyed or relieved. He settles on answering with a non-committal grunt.

“Rin,” he says, and his eyes are weirdly shiny. “Do you know why we got so scared when we saw you back in the pool?”

Rin smiles, an involuntary twitch of his lips. “’Cause I’m back and everybody’s scared I’m gonna beat their times.”

“Derek told me he saw you start swimming around noon.”

“So?” Rin is still staring past Coach’s head, looking for the splotch.

“It’s four o’ clock!” Rin jumps a bit, and Coach takes a deep breath, slumps his shoulders. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled. But, Rin---Matsuoka. Right now you’re sick, and you need to get better before I’ll let you have access to the pool on your own.”

Rin leaps out of his chair, staring him down, but Coach holds up a hand. “Furthermore, it’s been decided that you have to go to counseling.”

“Fuck that!” Rin yells, and he has no energy left to care that he just cursed at Coach. “I’m not going to talk about my feelings like a fucking pansy!”

“I’ve been talking to the Headmaster about your case, and if you refuse to go to therapy, we’ll have no choice but to suspend you for a year.”

Rin’s speechless, and it’s taking all of his fraying self-control not to slug Coach.

“I’m not fucking going to therapy!”

Coach’s eyes have hardened. “You’re sick, Rin. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, but it isn’t healthy for you to be here. As of tomorrow, you’re on a yearlong suspension.”

“Fine!”  
Rin spins on his heel and throws open the door.

“You’re a damn good swimmer, Matsuoka. You’ll always be welcome back…but your health is the priority, got it?”

The door slams and Rin runs down the hall, pretending he doesn’t feel the tears sliding down his cheeks.

 

A few days later he’s standing in front of his house in Japan and hating his life. Well. More than usual. He still has the spare key, so he slumps into the house.

His mother’s there, for a moment. She’s wearing a smile, her lips stretched too thin over her teeth. Fuck. They called. 

Rin knew he’d have to tell her something, but he thought he could keep the truth from her.

“Welcome home!” she chirps, and Rin grits his teeth. “Just think of this as a vacation, okay, sweetie?” She bustles by him and grabs her purse. 

“I’m going to be late to work. Take it easy, okay, dear?” She moves forward, as if to hug him, but stops at the last minute and hurries out the door. Rin watches her go and feels like he might not have actually minded a hug, really. 

 

He goes to the swim club once or twice. One time he runs into Haru and the rest (and it’s runs into, he definitely forgot they were coming, he didn’t want to see any of them at all), and gets as far as jumping into the pool to race Haru before the race’s called off, on lack of water. Rin goes home and stares at the ceiling until he falls asleep.

 

All Rin wanted to do at school was swim and now it even takes too much effort for him to get out of bed. He comes straight home after school, falls onto his bed, and thinks about how much he sucks for the next five or so hours until he either finally does his homework or falls asleep. 

But then Makoto tells him they’re starting a swim team. Rin shows up to the swim practice unannounced the next day and lets the annoyingly enthusiastic captain herd him into a race. 

The kid in the lane over smiles and holds out a hand.

“I’m Nitori!” he chirps. Rin ignores him and snaps the band on his goggles.

The captain marches over to their lanes and takes out a whistle.

“On my mark….get ready, get set….go!”

Rin leaps off the block and dives. He hits the water a little funny but recovers quickly, darting ahead. Out of the corner of his eye he can see Nitori, and Rin knows he’s faster than this kid. He swims, probably faster than he’s ever swum outside of races with Haru, like he’s got something to prove to this kid. His arms fly and his legs pummel the water. His form must suck, Rin thinks, but he really doesn’t fucking care right now. When he slaps his hands on the end of the pool, he surfaces to absolute quiet. Somebody whistles. Then, the captain’s there, saying things like “You definitely made it!” and “You must train somewhere, right?” 

Nitori pulls up into the lane next to him and smiles. “I’ve never raced someone so fast before! You’re amazing, Matsuoka-senpai!”

Rin looks down. 

“Amazing, huh.”

 

If he had known he’d get a follower he wouldn’t have shown off. Seriously, he’d seen people less devoted to their religions. 

Nitori trails him out of the pool, asking for tips on his dive and stroke and breathing. Rin sighs and snaps something about the angle of entry. Nitori’s eyes shine, and Rin thinks (no no no no not again no one else need to be alone)

…maybe Nitori’s not so bad.

 

Rin comes home after practice one day to an empty house and a note. 

“Mom’s at work, and I won’t be home ‘til six! I left a chocolate milk in the fridge for you!

-Kou”

There’s an involuntary quirk of lips Rin hides behind a grimace, and he saunters over to the fridge. Rin cracks the seal on the milk, leans against the counter. Thinks about walking home with Gou after school on Fridays, when the swim club didn’t meet, and stopping at the corner shop for chocolate milk with their leftover lunch money. Making fun of her for her milk mustache. 

He carefully avoids thinking about her eyes, big and worried, tracking him as he walks around the house, or her ham-fisted attempts to talk to him when he bothers to eat with her and Mom.

Rin thinks about how sweet chocolate milk is; how he hasn’t really liked sweet things all that much since Dad died.

Rin takes another sip.

 

And then, one day Rin goes to the swim club again. Fuck if he knows why. The photos are gone, one of him and one of Dad, stolen weeks ago, so he could torture himself with the warmth of their easy smiles, radiating out of the plastic. He walks up to the place where that photo used to be, touches it.

Rin hears footsteps. 

He spins around, and slams the intruder up against a wall. 

Haru looks up at Rin.

Rin stops breathing.

“Rin.”

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

“Kou.” Haru’s holding a phone lazily in his right hand. “She was worried when you didn’t come home and called me.”

“I’m not a fucking child.”

Haru says nothing, and Rin drops him. 

“Okay, so I’m alright,” Rin says, biting out a laugh. He really is, he’s alright, everyone can see that, he’s Rin he’s alright he can be alright-

“You’re not.”

Haru stares at Rin, calmly, almost lazily. Suddenly, Rin isn’t angry anymore, just really fucking  
tired. He sinks to his knees. 

Haru’s eyes widen, and he helps Rin lower himself to the floor. Rin looks lazily up at Haru, not quite able to focus his eyes. He feels heavy, and it’s too much to keep upright.

“Rin,” Haru says, his face blank but his eyes dark and concerned. Rin wants to dive in and swim in them. He feels like he’s not a part of his body, like he’s watching some guy talk to Haru from far away. Then Haru carefully places a hand on his shoulder, and it’s like a lightning rod. Rin snaps back into his body. 

“Kou’s worried about you,” Haru says. He worries his lip. “So am I.”  
Rin throws his head back.  
“Sure,” he drawls. “And I can get better and we can all be friends again and swim relays every Saturday. Right?”  
Haru purses his lips. “You’re already our friend. We want you to feel better.”  
Rin smiles. Shakes his head. 

Haru sets his mouth. “You’re more important than just swimming.” 

Rin looks at Haru, and sees the truth in the creases of his eyes. He laughs, bitter. 

“You know I don’t believe that, right?”

Haru pouts, and Rin almost smiles, seeing it. “Then I’ll tell you until you believe it.”

And Rin is not fucking crying again, not in front of Haru. What the fuck is he, six?

But Haru pulls him close, and Rin not-sobs into a warm shoulder. Haru holds Rin for a long time, and extracts a promise.

 

When Rin gets home he tells Gou he’s not coming straight home tomorrow, and when she finds out why she cries, but it’s happy tears this time, and Rin ruffles her hair. For the first time in a while Rin thinks about the fact he only has 9 more months of suspension, and gold medals.

 

The office is bland- everything is a shade of tan, but Rin’s never been more scared in his life. He checks in with the receptionist and takes a seat, until they call his name.

“Matsuoka Rin?”

He stands up and follows the receptionist, slouched, his hands in his pockets.

 

Finally, she enters the room. Rin’s perched on a chair, avoiding eye contact.

“Hello, Rin.”

Rin mumbles a hello. She sits down and flashes him a warm smile. 

“Rin, why did you come here today?”

“Three months ago…” Rin starts. She smiles again, and for the first time, Rin’s able to say it. The words spill out of him, like a punch to the gut. “I tried to kill myself.” 

It’s not perfect, it’s barely anything, but Rin thinks of Coach’s parting words and Gou’s extra bottles of chocolate milk and Haru’s embrace, and he smiles, a real one this time, showing all his teeth. Maybe someday he can like himself again. 

Yeah. Someday.


End file.
